Dear Diary

12/24/2018

When growing up you have those people in your life that shine like super hero’s. Their daily actions are something you strive to achieve. Childhood is filled with hero’s and hopes. As you grow you start seeing the cracks in the people you hold up on a pedestal. It brings them to ground level and you see that everyone is human and we all have imperfections. At times this can be a relief because that anxiousness you feel with making mistakes around them is lightened. Other times you see people for who they truly are. Growing up I was taught that family always comes first, no matter what. That means someone can steal you car and your money, but you will find the strength to still support and love them. That unconditional love is guaranteed with blood and if you break that pact you are in the wrong. I feel as if this unrealistic practice came from my mothers need for everyone to love her. Some quick background: my mother was abandoned by both parents. One from alcohol and then another choose a significant other over a young child. So I understand why she has an inherent need to feel wanted, and goes out of her way to make sure people don’t feel like she did growing up. I commend her for her good intentions, but am angry at the problems it has caused. Doing something kind for someone without expectation is a great standard to live by. But when this standard inherits your ability to love yourself it’s time to move on. This unconditional love rule causes a lot more pain than happiness in certain situations. Braking a bond because it is toxic is not a weakness. It doesn’t make you less than. In reality it makes you brave In ways some can never understand. Even though you love someone and continuously try to save them from drowning , you understand that as you push them up you are pushing yourself deeper under water. Don’t let people drown you who don’t give a second thought about it. Surround yourself with people who will share a life preserver with you. Don’t be a Jack.

12/21/2018

The world is on fire and no one around me notices.

When listening to my family members talk about what is going on in the world I always hear contempt when someone from another race is brought up. It doesn’t matter if we are talking about African Americans in poverty ridden community’s, Syrian refugees, or Mexican immigrants. They don’t realize that this white superiority complex is at the forefront of their mind, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior. There is always something to be said when another culture is threatening their whitehood. Saying something is damn near pointless because they feel as if you are personally attacking them. Facts don’t matter when you are battling a hate that is rooted in hundreds of years of history. I wish that I could have a conversation and they would just listen. Not only with their ears but their heart as well. It confusing to me that one would choose to shut off their views in order to preserve their ego. Or condemn another because there is fear in the unknown. Human history is riddled with violence and as we grow as a society we are supposed to find a semblance of peace. But we see so many people fall back into those dark parts of our human nature. I don’t think that will ever change, and there will always be people out there that rather live in the dark than thrive in the light.

I feel as if there is so much hate in human nature. It is primal and impossible to get away from. Travel and Education may be the two things that can help us overcome this rooted hate we have for each other. How can one do both if not presented with opportunity?